Falling Apart

What do you do when your life falls apart?  June was a hard month for me personally and professionally.  So many unpleasant things happened.  

Someone whose opinion I valued had a blunt and hard answer to a critical question I asked seeking encouragement.  One of my family members fell ill - something you don't want to have happen during a raging pandemic.  I had to pay a large sum of money unexpectedly and unjustly.  That was Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday in the middle of June, if you are wondering.

I began to hit walls in my life...repeatedly.  Walls of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion.  I was tapped out.  I was having crises at home and with Simple Fly Life on weekly and sometimes daily bases.  

I cannot tell you how many times during the month of June I said disgustedly about my life and circumstances, "I'M DONE!!"  I was over June by the 10th day of it.  It went on without my permission, and it got worse.  

I would love to say that I got my RAWKSTAR badge for the month of June, but I didn't.  I became a weepy, depressed, sad person to be around.  My parents and my husband were worried about me.  I had to cancel appointments because I was crying every hour on the hour.  

If you are hoping that there will be bullet points for this post telling you how to be Mother Teresa during trials, you are out of luck.  No wisdom will be forthcoming, but I will tell you how I am able to write this blog post by the grace of God.

With all the bludgeoning of life, I got very beaten down.  It was hard at times to think.  I was careful to keep my inner circle in the loop (my parents and husband) and articulate what was going on in my head and my thoughts, because I am a firm believer in the event of having a form of power over something if you are able to name it.  

I got very quiet.  Trust me, I did a fair amount of angrily screaming at God, but for the most part, my soul was quiet and empty.  I actually began to like it that way.

With all the adversity directed at my business, I began to recognize that I was having a healthy share of failure, and I couldn't do it all, couldn't pull my weight, couldn't make things move and shake.  I began to be still.  I didn't worry about whether I would go out and kill it in business.  I couldn't get off the couch.

So, if you are tracking this, I became quiet and still.  "Be still, and know that I am God."  Honestly, in the empty, I found a new kind of peace.  A peace that comes with the acceptance that everything just got hosed and there is no fixing it, there is just finding your way forward.  It was a new acquaintance that I am not efficient or sufficient to manage life or my own self.  Let go, and let God.  

So that is where I am today.  I did have a productive day at work, but the ruins of June are still around me.  Let go, and let God.  I plow forward.  We will see what July brings.